Lately, my life has felt like a series of contradictions. Strong desire to stay home? Gotta work. Get a job? You don’t have to. Called to work for the church? Jk, the position’s not open yet.
I don’t know what to do or what to think. My brain is frazzled. I am struggling to do things I usually do without thinking. Cooking is a chore. I love to cook. Playing with the kids requires so much more energy than I have. My kids are my passion. My house is a disaster. I can hardly stand it….
Even prayer is failing to clear my mind. I am spinning out of control mentally. What am I supposed to do? Rest in the Lord, I’m told. What does that mean? I can’t just sit still. I can’t be that metaphorical man in the ocean, demanding God help me but refusing the boats that come by. But I can’t see the boats. I don’t know if they’re boats or just broken pieces of the boat I sunk. I don’t know which way is up, which way is the “right” way.
And yes, I’m aware that our God is so awesome, he can use any situation. I’d prefer not to put my family or myself into a situation of him needing to remedy a situation, though. Been there. Done that. I have the t-shirt and the magnet. Don’t wanna visit again.
So now I sit here and wonder. I’ll keep going down the path that logically fits, though in the past, logic has failed to deliver. Still, I have to move. Somehow. I have to trust. Right? Maybe if I trust enough, have enough faith, something will clear.
That seems like a contradiction in itself.