I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve about had it with all of these articles and videos and blog posts about babies and death. I don’t care if it’s babies themselves dying, or their parents dying, or them being abandoned, or them surviving death. Stop it, ok? My heart and my tear ducts can’t take it all.
I’m not sure I was this incredibly emotional about babies after I had #1. I mean, I was paranoid for him, but there either weren’t as many baby stories or I’m just so much more sensitive to them. The only think I can come up with is that I was too busy transitioning from high school student to mom to pay any attention to anything other than my own kid. After #2, though? H’oh boy… Waterworks abound. I will never make fun of my mom for crying in a movie again. Ever.
Seriously, though, it seems like my internal emotional clock has shifted. Now, each story I see hits home. Each baby held in its dying father’s arms is my child with my husband. Each baby abandoned in a dumpster is my baby, though I’d never abandon it. Every baby who survives the impossible or who passes away in the night is mine, and my heart cries out for them. I have no idea what to do about it.
I’ve started just avoiding all articles, videos, and blog posts that mention the words “infant,” “baby,” or “child.” I know it isn’t right. After all, the reality is that these things happen. But just for a while, I’d like to hold my babies close and pretend like those things don’t happen. I want to pretend like it’s impossible for them to contract a rare, debilitating polio-like disease out of the blue. I want to pretend like their blanket is a friend to keep them warm, not their arch nemesis in sleep wars. I want to look at those little faces playing so happily together and treasure that moment, without the cloud of “what-ifs” hovering over me.
I’m beginning to think that I’m overly-paranoid. I’m not sure, though. Other mothers out there, do visions of horrible things flit through your mind in those quiet moments? Do you envision what would happen if you don’t lower the mattress on the crib soon? Do you stay up at night praying that the scorpions apparently inhabiting your apartment (seriously) don’t sneak into your babies’ beds? Do you panic just thinking about the thousands of things that could happen but probably won’t happen? Or am I in need of getting help?
I don’t mind honest answers. If I’m not crazy, I’d love to know that there are others out there who feel the same. If I’m having some sort of post partum, I suppose I should get that checked out. Either way, I really don’t want any links to any articles about babies.