A Plague of Doubt

It waits for me, hovering just outside my line of sight, just on the fringes of my thoughts. Sometimes, it seems like I’ve imagined it. Sometimes, I think I’m just dramatic. Sometimes, though, it rears its ugly head, spewing its venom. You’re not good enough. You talk too much. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re too young. You’re too dramatic. You’re just trying to get attention. And nearly every time, it leans in close and whispers, You’re pathetic.

What is it? Doubt, I suppose. I’m not really sure what it is, but I know I listen to it more than I like. The worst is that it seems louder whenever I’m with a group of people I respect. Most churches, for instance, try to group people based off commonalities like the age of their children or their place in life at the moment. I, however, seem to slip through the cracks. My age is such that I should be in a group of recent college grads. My kids, though, put me in the same place as people in their late 20s, early 30s. I find myself unable to speak for fear that my words are foolish, or I do speak and lose my train of thought in the panic that it’s silliness. I end up feeling out of place and uncomfortable in my own skin. After all, these people have so much more life experience than I do, have been married longer, have gone through more than I have. And I just want to run away.

I wish I knew why I felt like this. Even writing this post, I feel ridiculous. My fingers are itching to delete it and try a more “reader-friendly” topic, but I won’t. Maybe someone out there has experienced this and has some tips. Maybe… I just wish I could fit in and not doubt. Maybe it’s residual shame from #1’s pregnancy, where I lost my college self and became my mom self. Maybe it’s just lies whispered into my heart. I don’t know. I wish I could fix it.

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3 thoughts on “A Plague of Doubt

  1. Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through some rough times. Believe me, I’ve been there and have suffered greatly. I used to have very low, but very low self-esteem. When I became a Christian it was at a street church. That was 20 years ago (i’m 40 now). The first time I stepped foot in a ‘normal’ church of ‘normal’ people, I felt so insecure and out of place. But let me tell you something though. I know it’s tough to accept at the moment, but the 20s are really a difficult time in life. At least for me they were. The 30s were better, a lot of more stable growth and much less insecurities. At 40 I’m happiest I’ve ever been. I believe that I have learnt so much and grown so much. And that bits of wisdom have been added to me as well (without wanting to sound puffed up). We all have our own personal experienced, I know. But keep hanging on to God. Make sure you make time daily to get into His presence, pray and read His word. He will do truly amazing things in your life and will establish you as the healthy, secure and whole woman He’s made you to be.
    Blessings =)
    Staci.
    p.s. I’ll pray for you this afternoon after my end of day run when I go on a short prayer walk.

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