Today was a relatively good day, but for the wrong reasons. Have you ever noticed how life smooths out when you stop fighting the current? Today was one of those “this fight is over,” “retreat and recoup,” enemy victory dance kinda days.
I honestly am not sure what to write about it. I’m not feeling entirely comfortable even admitting that I made such a foolish choice, but I promised not to hide behind a mask. Masks are so much more comfortable than the reality of this shame. Th perfectionist and good Christian girl inside me is hiding in a dark corner.
That’s the real reason today has been calm. What need does the Enemy have of targeting me when I’m doing an even better job of destroying myself. The technicality of my choice was ok, but the circumstances were not. Everything in me is overwhelmed by shame and guilt and fear. How could I, someone who knows the warning signs and knows the Bible, do something like this? How can I face my Father? There is no way I’m a decent representative of my faith. If people knew what a hypocrite I was…
I don’t have a solution to these thoughts just yet, other than to lay them out before you and before Jesus. As cheesy as it sounds, I don’t know of any other way. My stifling those fears has only led to harm in the past so this is the last option I have. I am afraid, though. I’m headed into a throne room covered in mud and grime where hundreds of people and my Family will watch me walk the walk of shame. I’m not entirely sure I can handle it. Still, here I go. Tonight, as much as I’d prefer to avoid the conversation, I’ll talk to God. If a solder is defeated and wounded in battle, he runs to his commanding officer, not away from him. If I keep that mentality, maybe tonight won’t be so difficult to face.