Welcome! My name is Grace, and this blog is a diary of my struggles, my pain, and the scars I am trying to over-come.
Through the years, I’ve noticed that very few women really discuss the feelings and fears they have, especially in the Christian sphere. I am no expert on the human psyche, but I know personally this taboo on emotions has left its toll on me. I have been afraid in the past to express my thoughts and desires, and many of them I still struggle to equate. In an attempt to figure out my own mind and to begin to wear down that taboo, I’ve decided to start an online diary.
I will do my best to write every day, and I will be completely honest. Grace is not my real name, but I want this diary to be completely free of any of the trappings of outside relationships. If you figure out my true identity (like Superman), please keep it to yourself. While I will try my best not to lay blame on anyone or vent in any of my diary entries, I know that those close to me can easily misinterpret and/or be hurt by written words.
Life is one never-ending roller coaster ride. We have fantastic ups and terrible downs. We are spun upside-down and flung backwards. We get adrenaline rushes and feel like throwing up. Unlike roller coasters, life is never talked about “after” the ride. Especially as women, there is this fear that imperfection equals failure. If we don’t bathe our child every night, we are a failure of a mother. If we don’t cook dinner every night, we are a failure of a wife. If we don’t get good grades or stay in shape or have cute clothes, we fall short. Instead of admitting our faults, we hide behind these masks of perfection, trying to keep everyone from knowing our dirty little secrets.
Well, here’re my dirty little secrets. I came from a dysfunctional home. I am a perfectionist to the extreme that my decisions in life are black and white, right or wrong. I was an unwed mother and had my son at 19. I was married at 20. I am the embodiment of the codependency cycle: “can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.” I have become manipulative and bitter and have anger issues. I have a superiority complex when it comes to academics. I am a drama queen and an attention hog. I rely on the approval of others. I struggle with self-injury. I struggle with self-worth.
And, I am a princess in the greatest Kingdom on Earth. My Father is the mightiest person ever known, so famous that even those who have never heard His name know something about Him. My Brother and best friend is my salvation and my protector. He has held me and kept me strong through every dark time, and He has refused to let me forget that I am royalty. My Counselor is the wisest person in history, sought after by judges and kings and presidents alike. I have been adopted into a family unlike any other, and I refuse to let my secrets hold me back any longer.
I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of being self-conscious and of striving for perfection. I hate having my past actions be the stigma that follows me into the future (especially when it’s primarily self-imposed). Most of all, I am tired of living behind a mask. Some of you may question why I use a false name, then. Consider this a modern-day black-out interview. My voice is disguised and my face invisible to protect those I love from the filth of my soul. Some day soon, I hope to be able to share this journal with them, but I am not yet strong enough for that. I have a long way to go before all those secrets and all the fears are given up.
If you care to join me on this journey of self-discovery and confession, please do. I hope that my struggles and pain can help at least one other person, and I hope to be a proper ambassador for my Father. Like any Daddy’s girl, I hope to do Him proud.